How to Choose a Therapist That's Right for You
Choosing a therapist means placing your heart and your head in someone else's hands. That is a deeply vulnerable thing to do. So it makes sense that one of the questions I hear most often, whether in real life or on TikTok, is some version of “how do I choose a good therapist?”
It is a great question and it deserves an honest answer.
There are Great Therapists, Ineffective Therapists, and Everything In Between
Therapy is like any other field. There are effective, ethical, well-intentioned practitioners who genuinely help people heal. There are also therapists who fall short, sometimes from inexperience or gaps in training, and sometimes from self-serving misuses of the power we hold.
I say this as a seasoned therapist who was once inexperienced myself, who has made mistakes I can now name and learn from. I have also been the client. I have had therapists and supervisors who were healing, and others who were not.
When my colleague Paula D. Atkinson and I started our podcast, What If Nothing's Wrong With You?, one of our goals was to demystify therapy. We wanted to help people understand what good therapy actually looks like and how to recognize and step away from therapy that does more harm than good.
Neither of us believes in throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Instead we practice what we call nuanced discernment. It turns out that skill applies to far more than therapy. It helps you evaluate a new workplace, a new friend, or a romantic partner too.
Why Discernment Matters More Than Avoidance
We are, as a culture, far too isolated and lonely. Research suggests isolation is as hard on our bodies as smoking. So avoiding people and helpers altogether is not the answer.
At the same time, we live in a culture that often rewards instant gratification, disconnection, financial gain, and prestige over ethics and empathy. That makes careful discernment essential. The goal is not to trust no one. The goal is to choose well, whether you are meeting a new therapist or a potential partner.
It Is Okay to Ask a Therapist Questions
Here is the part people tend to forget. You are allowed to interview a therapist before you commit, and you are allowed to keep evaluating the relationship as it goes.
If something matters to you, ask about it. I have gladly answered client questions about my training, my experience, and my biases around money, religion, race, and sexual orientation. A good therapist will tell you clearly and directly whether they are the right fit for what you need.
I actually love when clients take care of themselves this way. When you name what you need, I can be honest about whether I am the right match. And if I am not, I often know someone who is, and I am always happy to make that introduction.
A few questions worth asking a potential therapist:
What is your training and experience with what I am bringing in?
How do you think about the concern most important to me, whether that is anxiety, depression, a major life change, or a relationship that feels stuck?
What does your approach actually look like in a session?
How do you handle fees, insurance, and out-of-network reimbursement?
Finding the Right Fit in the DC Metro Area
If you are searching for a therapist in Washington DC, Maryland, or Virginia, you do not have to figure it out alone.
My colleague Robyn Gearey wrote a wonderful piece for Arlington Magazine called “How to Find a Good Therapist in the D.C. Area.” She breaks down the practical side of the search, from insurance to licensure to therapy modalities to the questions worth asking. It is a genuinely useful roadmap.
Paula and I also cover therapist selection in two episodes of our podcast, Healing Therapists and Navigating Therapy.
And if you would like to try some of this out in person, you are welcome to book a free consultation with our team. Come ready to ask us anything. That is exactly how it should work.
Lisa Kays, LICSW, LCSW-C, LCSW
